Six Things I Did to Get My Spark Back; Musings From a Middle-Aged, Muffin-Topped, Mum of Four
A girlfriend whom I hadn’t seen in ages recently dropped by.
She took one look at me and said,
“You look different… and it’s not just the weight loss.”
And I thought to myself… I know, gurlfrand, I knowwww.
Because the truth is, I feel different… really, really different.
In the best possible way.
However, before I kick off this story, I want to acknowledge that I am very aware this is not my typical how-to-build-a-better-house post.
I mean, there’s not one sexy, simple, sustainable house in sight right now… except, of course, the one I’m sitting in writing this, and it’s pretty dang sexy, just sayin’ ;)
Instead, this post is going to get a bit personal and far too real for my liking, and my tummy feels funny about that. But I’m doing my best to ignore it and push on because I admire others who lead with transparency in this otherwise manufactured and airbrushed space, and I have always strived to do the same.
So, if you’re looking for house inspo right now, you can click away - but come back tomorrow (please) because I have a very, very cool house to share with you!
However, if you happen to be an exhausted, middle-aged, middle-class (all the middles) woman sporting a muffin top, who loves their family fiercely and feels pulled in a million different directions, read on…
This story begins last winter.
I think, on reflection, I was experiencing a lil’ bit of burnout at the time; although, one of my much smarter friends tells me there’s no such thing as a little bit of burnout, you’re either fried or you’re not… and I was fried.
I had spent twenty-two years stuck in fast-forward, and suddenly, someone jammed the pause button on, and I couldn’t un-stuck it.
I had no idea what had hit me; all I knew was that it felt bad, really bad.
We women of a ‘certain age’ (alright, alright, I’m 49) experience some weird-ass changes; the kids leave home (or most of them do, hello thirteen-year-old late fourth child of blended family), peri-menopause rears its confusing ugly head, careers change or stagnate, and society tells us we are getting old, fat and wrinkly.
But mostly, I had spent 22 years putting everyone else’s needs before mine, and the mental load was freakin’ exhausting (see a ripper podcast recommendation on this below).
It had also been 22 years of striving to be a good wife, working four days a week out of the home (and then later building my own incredible, purpose-led business… not so humble brag much?), and raising four amazing kids who are the light of my life, even though most of them don’t need me as much any more (although I am still needed when the sh*t hits the fan or they don’t know how to do their taxes).
My identity was, and still is, firmly entrenched in being useful, productive, liked… and everyone’s rock.
And always, ALWAYS, busy.
I don’t think I was clinically depressed last winter (or maybe I was?), as I still wanted to spend time with my loved ones and engage in the parts of my work I love; however, I had well and truly lost my spark.
And for the life of me, I couldn’t find that little &*&^# anywhere.
I should also clarify that I have an autoimmune condition (inflammatory disease) that I was diagnosed with twenty years ago (I go into depth about the stressful period of my life that triggered the onset of this in a podcast episode with the fabulous Australian of the Year for Tassie, Steph Trethewey; you can listen to it here).
Basically, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis. My body gets confused and can’t tell the difference between a pathogen and my normal cells, and it starts attacking itself, which impacts my mobility and causes pain. Lots of it.
I’m not particularly special, however, because there are a great many of us walking around with some form or level of inflammatory disease (think Crohn's, thyroid issues, severe acne, Endometriosis, IBS - there are over a hundred of the mothers), and many people are suffering in silence.
But I digress.
All of a sudden, last winter, I found myself in a situation where there were parts of my life I could no longer engage in, no matter how hard I tried.
Let’s take Instagram, for example. All of a sudden, after years of loving it, I found myself hating the very sight of it.
Whenever I opened the app, I would have a physical, almost visceral reaction. I didn’t want to be there. Everything seemed manufactured for doom-scrolling or evoking rage, and it was succeeding on every level.
I knew I needed to keep showing up online for my business and the Booken Blend community that I love so dearly, so I put pressure on myself to push past these feelings, making bargains with myself and even rewarding myself when I did show up.
But no matter how hard I tried, the love affair was over.
Thankfully, I could still happily do all the functional, essential tasks for Booken Blend, but my creativity had all but left the building.
The longer this went on, the more it became clear to me that my creativity is directly linked to my wellness, and given my wellness was in the proverbial toilet, so was my creativity.
Now, to be fair, there were a few crappy curve balls I was dodging and weaving at this time, and it’s only on reflection that I can see how much of a toll these took on my stress levels.
I’m the kind of person who may seem to be handling hard things well, likely because, in that moment, I am dealing with them well (we mums are gold at that). I’m good at getting s**t done in a crisis (if I do say so myself), and I find it easy to dig deep and problem-solve.
However, the stress ultimately catches up with us somewhere.
And you know what they say… the body keeps the score.
So, late last year, my body let me know that I had not been listening to the whispers, and now it was going to roar.
On November 6, I received a call from two different doctors.
One was recalling me for a breast screen, and the other was letting me know they had found some pesky, uninvited masses in my uterus, and they thought they should uninvite them with a little bit of surgery.
DON’T STRESS, this story ends well!
All my biopsy results came back negative (phew), and my heart goes out to everyone battling this insidious, cruel disease #fcancer.
But at the time, there was a brief moment where I thought a Big C diagnosis would make a lot of sense, as it would explain why I was feeling so sh*te all the time.
Also at that time, we were dealing with a crappy legal issue. I won’t bore you with the details too much here (it’s a whole post all of its own), but in a nutshell, two separate entities stole the Booken House design and passed it off as their own.
Now, all house designs are copyright-protected, meaning you can not copy all or part of another person's or company’s design without their permission.
This is why we offer our Booken House Design Packs in various commitment levels. It allows those who want to replicate parts of, or the entire Booken House plan, to purchase a BUILD IT Pack, which contains copyright permission and, therefore, the green light to benefit from the years and years of research and planning that went into the design.
Stealing someone else’s ‘Intellectual Property’ is the same as entering their living room and stealing their TV.
If you wouldn’t steal someone’s TV, don’t steal their IP.
Simple.
Rectifying the copyright infringements meant juggling lawyers and making hard decisions, and truthfully, I just wanted to hide under my bed and pretend it wasn’t happening.
Actually… now that I write this down, I can see that 2024 kind of sucked.
I also want to mention here that, although this was all rather sucky, I was still living a very privileged life, and it feels a bit ick to complain.
And I suppose that’s part of the problem; I never lost sight of how much I love my life, and it frustrated me beyond measure to know that even though I have a great life, I couldn’t fully appreciate it because I was feeling so… er, bad.
Besides, tough times shouldn’t be a competition; my ‘tough time’ is chicken feed compared to someone else’s, but it’s ok to acknowledge that it was hard.
Essentially, I had found myself in a position where I had no choice but to change or accept that this was how my life would look - and feel - forever.
And that was no longer bearable.
Here is a good place to drop an almighty thank you to my husband, my partner in crime, my ride or die… Boots.
They say a marriage should be 50/50, but most of the time, this is simply not true. I think it’s Brene Browne who says that sometimes one of you will need to carry more of the load, and then the pendulum swings, and the other one steps up.
This is definitely the case for us, and Boots stepped up last winter in every possible way. He did everything from cooking dinner for six months straight to sitting in the car outside St Vincent’s Hospital for six hours (because they wouldn’t let him in with me) while I waited in a dingy waiting room for my fate.
The New, Ferrari Lisa
Fast forward to now, and I am the new, shiny, Ferrari version of Lisa (well, mostly, I still have the odd rough day, don’t we all?).
I have reduced my medications, I have lost 10 kg, feel less stressed, my tummy is settled, my puffy chipmunk face is disappearing, my creativity is returning, I notice joy and glimmers again, my energy is recovering, and I sleep like a baby (btw, is this, perhaps, the dumbest expression ever known to man? Babies don’t sleep).
I can safely say, I haven't felt this well in 20 years.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘What the hell did you do?!’
And I’m getting to that, I promise (although spoiler alert, there was no magic bullet).
But before I jump into the what and how, let me start with a caveat.
The thoughts, ideas, tools, and people I am going to share below have all helped me immensely. However, I am in NO WAY advocating that these are the be-all and end-all, or that they will work for you.
In fact, finding your unique combo of things that ‘work for you’ will require a great deal of experimentation and persistence… oh, and failures; let’s not talk about the first time I fed my family edamame pasta, woahhhh it was a gasey household that night (TMI?).
So, if some things on my list can add one or two ideas to your tool kit, then great.
I also want you to know that when I went down the health-overhaul rabbit hole, it was likely successful for two reasons.
Firstly, I had bottomed out.
As mentioned earlier, the body will whisper to you first, and if you don’t listen, it will roar, and my body had been whispering to me for 22 years.
The inflammation, the slow and steady weight gain around my middle, the puffiness. The pain, the upset stomach, the exhaustion and the sleepless nights.
They were all the whispers, and I didn’t (or couldn’t) listen to them.
So my body roared… and this time it took me out good and proper.
Secondly, I had the brain space and support to tackle something like this for the first time in decades. Three of my children had left home, I was working flexible hours, and Boots was right there with me, cheering me on and picking up the slack.
I would also just like to quickly note that I have not provided affiliate links to my ‘helpful hints’ below (affiliate links are the handy little things you click on to take you directly to look at or buy whatever fabulous thing someone is yabbering on about, and they then receive a financial kickback from your purchase).
This is because these kinds of things give me the ick, so I don’t do it.
I want to say, however, that although affiliate links don’t feel right for me, I’m a big believer in each to their own, and sometimes I find it really helpful to use other people’s links or recommendations (I mean, just make it easy for me to access the thing, right!), however, they’re just not for me… soz.
So, if you want to know more about anything below, you will just have to give Google a good ol’ workout!
So then, why am I sharing these things or ideas with you? Well, they’ve helped me beyond measure, so maybe they will help you, too?
And sharing is caring in my book.
So, here is my list of the six major things I changed in my life…
It’s All About What Goes in Your Mouth (Bugger It)
Actually, it’s more about what you don’t put in your mouth (booooooo!), and as a general rule these days, I avoid ultra-processed foods, sugar, and lots of carbs.
My girlfriend said to me, “So what the #$&* do you eat, cardboard?!”
Nope.
I eat whole foods, and lots of them.
Lots of protein, good fats, and fresh fruit and veg. Basically, I eat as much real food as I want - if I’m hungry, I eat; there is no restriction. This works well for me because I’m no good when I’m hangry… just ask my family.
After doing lots of research on food, I stumbled upon an online nutritionist called Health with Bec.
I binge-listened to her podcast, Body Bites with Bec (if you’re interested, go back to the first episode and work your way through), and so much of what she said made perfect sense to my science-loving brain.
It was logical and doable, and what did I have to lose by giving her 3-Week-Reset a go?
Not much, except maybe a few pesky kilos.
I am six months in, and I have now found a lovely 80/20 balance, where I can indulge 20% of the time and still maintain healthy habits 80% of the time (by Lisa maths, I reckon that means it’s ok to eat 20% of the block of chocolate in the fridge, right?).
And a nice little side effect of all this is, for the first time in my life, I am almost enjoying being in the kitchen. The kids are finding it hard to believe and are calling it my ‘Martha Stewart Era’ (I bought myself a food processor the other day kids, not even joking).
Some of you may have also heard me chat about my dreadful Coke Zero addiction (I talk about this in the Motherland podcast episode I mentioned earlier).
The little black can of death had snuck back into my life over that long dark winter, and it was wreaking havoc on my inflammation.
However, once I improved my nutrition, it was as if my body was now receiving the fuel it needed, and it no longer craved a hit from Coke Zero. Unbelievably, I was able to kick it cold turkey, within two days of eating cleaner… and it was easy.
HELPFUL HINTS:
PODCAST: Diary Of A CEO: The Dopamine Expert - Doing This Once A Day Fixes Your Dopamine with Dr Anna Lembke (by far the most useful podcast i listened to for changing my habits).
PODCAST & WEBSITE: Body Bites with Bec & Health with Bec.
SWAP IT: They say if you are struggling to give something up, swap it, don’t stop it. I found swapping Coke Zero to Sodaly has really helped when I am looking for a hit of bubbles (they are available at MOST supermarkets).
2. Sleep, Glorious Sleep!
I have a poor relationship with sleep; it’s like a bad boyfriend that I want the attention of, and the more elusive it is, the more I covet it.
I have no doubt that my poor sleep hygiene is a hangover from the years of being a single mum, of never getting more than a few short consecutive hours in a row, and never, ever, enough.
I can safely say that my new sleep regime has changed my life.
And it’s dead simple: if it’s not a special occasion (ie out with friends or entertaining), then I go to bed between 10 and 10:30 pm.
That’s it.
And like some kind of miracle sent down from the sleep gods, the vast majority of the time, I wake up at 6 am refreshed and ready for the day.
Back in the day, I would rage-stay-up. It was the only time that was my own, where the house was quiet and no one needed me, so why should I go to bed and not have this time?
Er, because lack of sleep was slowly but surely unravelling you, Lisa. Duh.
Strict bedtime aside, here are a few more hints:
PODCAST: The Imperfects: Maria Ruberto - Sleep Your Way To Your Top
TEA: I call it sleepy tea, but it’s actually called Native Sleep by Roogenic. I have one an hour before bed and start a bit of a wind-down, i.e., dim the lights and limit screen time if I can.
SUPPLEMENT: I take a magnesium tablet before bed.
TOPICAL CREAM: If I have achy joints, I rub Salt Lab Magnesium Cream into them before bed.
3. Bust a Move
I walk almost every day. I never aim to set records; I just listen to my body to see how fast or far I should go, and it’s always in nature, rain, hail, or shine.
Yes, it’s good for my body, but to be really honest, I do it for my mind. When I walk, my mood improves, my thoughts become clearer, and my resilience increases.
I prefer to do it first thing in the morning, if possible, or last thing in the evening during golden hour.
And I also use this time to listen to a podcast or some bangin’ tunes.
HELPFUL HINTS
FAV PODCASTS: The ImperfectS, DIARY OF A CEO, BIG SMALL TALK
APPROPRIATE CLOTHING: I have found that if I dress comfortably, I am more inclined to EXERCISE. I have invested in comfy, stretchy leggings with a pocket for my phone (I buy Nike Ones), wool socks and a thermal MacPac hoodie for the chilly winter mornings.
SHOES: I always buy Hoka sneakers. If I am going to be on my feet for more than half an hour or so, these are what I HAVE to WEAR FOR MY ACHY JOINTS. When I AM REQUIRED to wear more formal shoes or heels, I wear a podiatry brand called Bared.
4. Less Booze
Over the years, Boots and I have often enjoyed a drink together on a Friday night, and it’s a ritual I am fond of. However, when you have an autoimmune disease, there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that alcohol is not your friend, and therefore, I have (mostly!) swapped wine for Sodaly on these occasions.
So, my general rule of thumb is, if I’m not out with friends or entertaining, I no longer drink alcohol. However, if I do happen to be out on the town… I down that margarita guilt-free!
Helpful hints:
DRINKS: These days, I mostly drink non-alcoholic or lower-alcohol wines (I like Edenvale or South Island White Mist), or sugar-free margaritas.
PODCAST: Huberman Lab - What alcohol does to your body, brain & health.
5. Tackle ‘The Paws’ (AKA Peri-Menopause)
Whenever my girl gang and I talk about peri-menopause (which is a lot), we refer to it as ‘The Paws’ and make a ridiculous tucked hand gesture in front of our chest that resembles rabbit paws… oh yes, we think we are hilarious (er, do rabbits even have paws? Our joke may be flawed…).
We also refer to our little blue bottles of Estrogel as ‘The Gear’, so I sincerely hope no one ever eavesdrops on our convos at our small-town coffee shop.
After my little uterine ‘C’ scare, I booked myself into our local Women’s Clinic. I walked in, sat down in front of my kind-looking guenacologist, and promptly burst into tears.
She asked me if I had symptoms of ‘The Paws’, like hot flushes and all those fun things, but nope, all I could get out in between sobs was that I didn’t even know who I was any more.
She gently explained to me that due to my autoimmune condition, I was likely at a higher risk of having low Estrogen levels, and perhaps we should give ‘The Gear’ a go (ok, ok, she didn’t call it The Gear, but I really wanted her to).
I wish I could say one way or the other whether the Estradiol gel is making a definitive difference in my life; however, I changed a lot of things around the time I started on it. But what I do know is, if someone tried to take it away from me right now, I’d likely tackle them to the ground, because I like feeling this good… and I’m not messing with a single thing.
6. Kick Stress & Embrace Slowness
WORK
Around the time of my, er, what shall we call it, mini-burnout, I was forced to change the way I work.
I didn’t want to do this, because I love my job (in fact, I think I could argue a pretty good case that I have the best job in the world, I mean, who gets to spend their days helping excellent humans build fabulous, planet friendly homes? Yeah, me!), however, I was forced to change things up because my body and mind allowed no other option.
So, I reduced my work days (and hours) and set stricter boundaries around letting it creep into my evenings and weekends. Essentially, I had to find ways to ensure I could switch off and reduce the feeling of being ‘on’ 24/7.
It’s been tricky, but I’m getting there, and I’m sure anyone who runs their own business or has a job that is hard to switch off from can relate.
MINDFULNESS & seasonal depression
I know this sounds ridiculous, however, my office is the only south-facing room in our whole house, and I can no longer go in there *eyeroll*.
I’m like a lizard; I think I may be powered by the sun.
I’m completely convinced that seasonal depression is a real thing, and that at times, my happiness is linked to the amount of sun I see and feel in a day (maybe this explains my complete and utter obsession with passive house design?).
So, I have moved my desk to the dining table, where I can work bathed in natural light and open the doors to feel a breeze, and it’s helping. (Stay tuned for the imminent room switcheroo and new office makeover!)
It makes me realise that it is, perhaps, the simplest things that have made the biggest difference: putting the phone down, reading more, working less, resting without guilt, and committing to a morning routine where I watch the sunrise with my coffee, journal, and put my feet on the grass.
Oh my word, who even am I? That chick sounds zen, I’d like to meet her ;)
FIND A HOBBY
I have a new hobby, and it’s called punch needling (but Boots and Jedda call it picky poking).
It turns out that this little obsession is catching, and Jedda and I now spend many evenings with our wool and picky & poking needles, punching away. We recently made my niece’s birthday pressie and have now taken on an epic Christmas tree skirt project.
It provides hours of relaxing, calming, repetition with my hands, combined with a healthy dose of creativity, and I’m loving it sick.
And yes, my kids are laughing at me (I’m not exactly your typical crafty type mum), and have made a bet that my tree skirt won’t be done in time for Christmas… but I’ll show them.
Basically, it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s not doom scrolling, or binge eating, or any other unhealthy, mind-numbing crutch. Find something that can occupy your hands and your mind, and you will feel better for it.
HELPFUL HINTs:
CHECK OUT PICKY POKING (PUNCH NEEDLING) at @theurbanacres on insta or youtube.
podcast: the imperfectS - the elephant in the relationship (it’s all about the mental load & IT’S BLOODY EXCELLENT).
PODCAST: the Mel Robbins Podcast - The Let Them Theory; A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About.
PODCAST: the Mel Robbins Podcast - Dr Gabor Mate; The Shocking Link Between ADHD, Addiction, Autoimmune Diseases & Trauma (P.S., I find Mel Robbins' persona to be quite ‘American’, but some of her points in these episodes are really helpful).
Oh boy, when I write all this down, it looks like a lot.
And I suppose in the beginning, it was… the rabbit hole was deep!
It was almost like a part-time job there for a while, gathering information and learning through trial and error. But that’s how my brain works; it needs to understand the why and how (the science) before I can fully commit to something.
I’m still working on it, but for now, the good news is… my spark is back (or at the very least, it’s on its way).
Heck, just writing this post is a huge win… and I can’t tell you how happy I am to be oversharing again.
Now, I would be lying if I said I’m not worried that the second life throws me another serious curve ball (and it will, because that’s what life does), that this will all fall apart, and I will be deleting this post in a shame spiral because I have gone back to my old ways.
But I can only do my best, feel proud of how far I have come, and cross all my fingers and toes that these changes are here to stay.
Watch out… she’s back!
